Postpartum Depression

I have been home from Australia for just over a week now. It has been a lot harder to come home than I expected. Not only was it devastating to leave my YWAM Newcastle family and the amazingness that is Australia, but it has been really hard to adjust back to my life in West Michigan. Especially when I don’t want to adjust. I am grasping onto YWAM Newcastle and Australia and the amazing experience that I had this summer, hoping that it will never fade away into a distant memory like all things eventually do. And the week that I have had has not exactly helped me to want to rip my heart of Australia and put it back in West Michigan. The highlight was the Hillsong United concert I went to in Grand Rapids on Monday which, of course, just reminded me of Australia and made me miss it more.

It’s a strange thing to sort of put your life on hold for a bit while you peace out of the country and go on a life-changing adventure then try to go right back and pick up where you left off. Of course, that is impossible for many reasons. Some people have thrown around phrases like “back to normal,” but I would never want to go backwards, and I don’t really know what “normal” means. I am a different person now than I was when I left for Australia, and it is interesting taking that person out of Australia and putting her back in Michigan. It is also hard to pick up where I left off when the fates are clearly against anything being the same as before I left. My brother crashed my car while I was gone (thanks, bro), so I am desperately searching for a reliable vehicle in an impossibly low price range that will survive traveling between Comstock Park, downtown Grand Rapids, and Allendale multiple times a day. I haven’t had much luck to say the least, and if I don’t have a car by the time classes start, I’m going to be up a creek without a paddle. I also went back to work this week to find out that I will soon have a different job in a different department. I don’t really understand quite what it is going to entail or who I’ll be working for or how I feel about it, and it has been a stressful enough week doing two months of work that wasn’t done while I was gone. I’m also living with my parents this year because I am extremely broke. I don’t think I have to say much more about that.

I almost feel like I don’t belong here anymore. Like I established a new life in a far-off land, and I’m just coming back to visit for awhile. And part of me wishes that was true. It’s weird to be home. There’s not really any better way to describe it. It’s just weird. The transition back home has been a lot to handle in many different ways. I’m quite honestly frustrated and confused with God’s timing. I want to be in Australia. I want to be traveling. I want to be a missionary. I also want to be a college graduate and a Campus Ministry music intern. But most of all, I want to do what God wants me to do. I want to live out his plan. I want to do what he made me for. I just don’t quite know what that is.

It has been a bit of a struggle to come home, and sometimes I wish I never did, but I am excited to get back to school…obviously not for the actual school part but the other stuff. I will very shortly begin taking on my duties as a Campus Ministry music team intern, which I am really excited about. We also have our CM Leadership Retreat next week and the usual school year kick-off festivities. The Barn will be starting back up, as well, and I’m even looking forward to some of the classes I’m taking. I really am excited for this year, and I know that God has awesome things in store for me. Part of me is always going to wish I was in Australia, but I suppose Michigan isn’t so bad…for now.

-Ray